my mom was holding a 2013 calendar today and she went, “do you want this? this is now.” and it was very powerful.
do you ever think you have something in your teeth and you try and get it out with your tongue for like 40 minutes and then you’re like, “oh i think my teeth are just like that. i think i’m trying to tongue out a piece of my tooth.”
the only thing that’s really as fun as it looked on tv when i was a little kid is covering your face in shaving cream. like the shaving part isn’t really much, but the cream, man. sometimes i put on shaving cream and do a couple laps around the house. “who me? just a busy adult who had to leave the bathroom in a hurry to do something else that adults do. like look at himself in the hallway mirror.”
i keep buying food and then forgetting i’m moving on saturday. i have to eat 72 bagel bites in two days.
every day i wake up to these kids next door playing outside and having the dumbest, loudest little kid conversations. like all the pointless things kids say and then forget immediately are imprinted onto my adult brain and then i remember them forever. this girl was yelling about how her brother cheated at baseball. kid you aren’t even playing baseball. get a grip. now they’re probably eating fish sticks or something, completely past this whole sports scandal, and here i am retaining memories against my will.
someone make a device that makes onion rings that don’t cause the whole onion to come out after one bite and then start a kickstarter to fund it so i can fantasize about backing it 100% because fantasizing about being so rich and kind that i just randomly fund kickstarters 100% is something i get off to.
is there anything fucking dumber than the programming on websites that extracts data from your resume. latin club isn’t a career! it’s fluff! fluff!
i was walking through this building today and i heard a guy on the phone yelling, “no, friday! i told him friday!” only it sounded like he was yelling, “fried egg” and i had to stop to uncover a possible breakfast mystery.
no matter how strong i get, trying on two pairs of pants in a changing room will drain me of energy immediately. i could drink a gallon of coffee after sleeping for 12 hours and training for ten weeks. i was leaning against the wall of a changing room today in my underwear like, “i can’t, i can’t do it. i paced my day all wrong, i forgot to average in putting on the clothes i came in with. the phantom pants change. i only had the energy for two, but the whole time i was the third. it was me.”