i’ve never really grown a beard and a big reason is because pillows feel weird on your face when you have one. like your face just kind of slides off them. i don’t need a life where i can’t feel the cool side of the pillow.
i’m on hold right now and every thirty seconds the hold music is interrupted by the sound of a person inhaling like they’re about to speak, but then a robot’s voice says like, “please continue to hold.” robots don’t need to breathe! they can just start talking. i don’t need realism in my robot recordings, i’m not going to be like, “was that lady who emphasized every syllable of every word like they were each spoken on different days in different years okay?” what did they have to say no to before they settled on a breathing robot? a robot chewing gum? a robot who gets spit caught in its throat and coughs for ten seconds?
you ever have a day where so many little things start to go wrong and snowball all you can think is, “i’d better go home before i just fucking actually die.”
back in the day when you got on a train someone would walk through the car with a little hole punch to mark your ticket. i took a train to new york earlier this year and the person walking through the car scanned a bar code on my ticket with a red laser. i just think that’s very appropriately futuristic. like, we did it, technology. we took the ticket punching method and boom, whoa, exactly the same thing, much more futurey looking.
sometimes people from other countries come into the store and when they pay they just hold up a bunch of change in their flat open palm and make me sort through it in their hand to get the right amount. like, you can’t stumble into another country, you know? you’re not here by accident. take the time to learn four new things. how did you even get this money? did you hand over a wad of your local cash and just assume you got the right exchange rate? anyways today some lady held her hand out in a real, “i can’t be bothered to learn new things!” way and i almost mimed the tips of my fingers like a bird beak and pecked the coins out of her hand like a chicken eating seeds. i almost did that. i didn’t. i didn’t want my career as a cashier to peak that early.
we have an intercom in the buzzer in this apartment, but you can’t understand a thing anyone says through it. like it changes your voice. you sound like a criminal trying to hide your identity when you call the police. the pitch is way low. you can’t understand anyone ever so you just have to buzz everyone through on the off chance they’re for you. someone could be like, “i’m gonna kill you, i’m gonna rip your head off,” and i’d pause and go, “…..k” and think, “it’s probably a package for the people across the hall.”
i think the saddest thing about growing up is that as an adult you know pizza is finite. like when you’re a kid and you open a pizza box and there’s a whole pizza there you’re like, “whoa, we’re gonna have pizza forever!” i just ordered a pizza and opened it at my kitchen counter and ate four slices before i even put my wallet down. it’s like you open the box and think, “okay so i’ll eat pizza now, and then one more time in two hours and then i’ll keep the box for 16 days.” just two pizza jam sessions. two breaths of pizza.
i live in this walk-up apartment building and there’s this family that lives a couple floors up with this baby who always screams as he goes down the stairs. like he just shrieks and cries like some kind of demon descending from sky hell. five floors of screams, just a waterfall of noise crashing down the steps. everybody in the whole building has to know prince yellface is going to fucking wherever he’s always going. the thing is that i’ve been in this apartment for a year and a half and i’m like, buddy, learn to talk already. progress to the next stage of life, you know? you’re making me think i exist in a timeless limbo.
it’s 4:57am and i’m drinking soda only because i looked at the clock and thought, “i don’t think i’ve ever had soda at this time of day before.” truly i am pushing the envelope of the human experience.
i work in a toy store and i’ve noticed that those books with mirrors on the last page to make little kids feel like they’re part of the story still have really shitty mirrors. they’re like the not even shiny side of tin foil. they’re like, as reflective as the scratched up back of my seven year old ipod classic. we need to step up the mirror game in these books. it’s 2014, get some real mirrors in those things. this is a problem.
the train i was on just now was delayed at the platform with the doors open just idling and the voice came on over the speakers like, “hey, we’re delayed, so if you want to take the local train you can if you want.” so then like 90 percent of the people filed out to go wait for the local train and maybe ten seconds later the doors to the train started to close because we were moving. but then some people like stuck their arms through the doors and forced their way back on and i was like, “fuck you, you immediately gave up on this train and now you want back on? whatever happened to going down with the ship? it’s not abandon ship the second there’s trouble and then climb back on when a better ship doesn’t show up. you made your choice. i mean, i don’t live on the local route anyways so like, i don’t really have a dog in this fight, i’m on this train regardless, but looking at you trying to have it all in terms of trains is exhausting. like have you ever really looked at a human fight against automatic doors? there’s this real glint in their eyes like they’re struggling for their life against some kind of robot, it’s stressful to watch. most of the time the human wins, but it’s impossible to not be roughed up by an automatic door.”
i was on break today and as i was walking down the street with a cup of coffee one of those people with a clipboard stopped me by going, “coffee? for me? that’s so sweet! how did you know?” and i was so caught of guard thinking, “fuck, wait, do i know her? have i worked with her for six months or something? am i an asshole?” i couldn’t come up with anything clever to say. i literally went, “uhhhhh…a little birdie told me?” and then thought, “ugh, what? what did you say? that’s so weirdly lame.” so i just sped up, but it was so lame my coffee turned into sand in its cup and the girl phased into another dimension. and here’s the real kicker, it was hot chocolate. i drink fucking hot chocolate every god damn time i say i’m drinking coffee. coffee is lame, it makes me feel like i’m going to shit my sentience. hot chocolate is amazing and as an adult i can buy a large and not have my mom pour half into a little cup for me and give the regular cup to my brother.
i like when ads for products are like, “the screen has wider viewing angles,” like i’m staring at my own stuff out of the corner of my eye for no reason. it should just be like, “good news for bored people sitting next to you in class or on the subway.”
an indoor swimming pool in a carpeted room and the carpet never gets wet…if only this could be my legacy.
saving money when you’re a kid is too easy because you can afford to put 100 percent of every paycheck away if you want to. you can choose to save everything. that really fucks you up when you become a person with bills and expenses because you walk into the game thinking you’re a savings expert and then every month you find yourself saving up just to replenish what you had to spend the month before and you go, “oh, i make no money actually.”