i was feeling down earlier because i don’t think i make enough money. i was deep in this pit where i was convincing myself that playing the lottery would be a good investment, like if i just didn’t spend two dollars on a drink or something and bought a lottery ticket that’d be money better spent. anyways i was researching the different games and analyzing their odds, like i was going to crack the fucking code, when i realized i could pick random numbers and compare them to past winning drawings just to see if i was capable of picking numbers that could have won at some point. so i picked 25 sets of numbers and put them into a database that showed me all the drawings that matched any of the numbers i picked over the course of six years. like i mean if i matched one number it would come up. if i had entered every drawing shown i would have spent nearly 24 thousand dollars. the highest prize i ever reached was seven dollars. while laughing at the ridiculousness of this data alone in my living room i started coughing and acid splashed up in my stomach and burned my throat because all i ate today was a family sized bag of salt and vinegar chips.
i bought this bonsai tree growing kit for three dollars and i know nothing will probably grow, but who could beat that price, right? after i soak the seed pod for 24 hours i have to keep it in the fridge for three months to trick it into thinking winter has passed. it’s probably the biggest prank i’ll ever pull on a seed. like psych, buddy, you thought winter was over? that was the god damn crisper drawer oh shiiit.
the other day at work my coworker was going on break and asked me to go into her coat pocket and pass her a cigarette. when i was grabbing one i took it from the end that goes in your mouth and in my head i was like, “oh no, my hands aren’t clean, i’ve been handling change all day,” but then i was like “oh yeah…it’s a cigarette.” anyways if i could take a stab at cigarettes i’d repackage them so the end you light is facing up when you open a pack. that’s how i’d make cigarettes healthier.
if i’m ever talking to someone and we’re both trying to remember something and i say i’m “pretty sure” that’s code for, “i am one hundred percent sure, but i refuse to not try to look chill about it.”
a rat died in my roommate’s wall, but aren’t we all just going to die in some rat’s wall at some point? that’s life for ya. smelly, dead rat wall life.
a lot of the time at work when parents want to get their kids to behave or hurry up or something they’ll say stuff like, “don’t do that or the man will get mad,” referring to me. like they’re not getting annoyed, i am. and then the kid always looks at me with this hurt look like, “jesus christ, are you really going to get mad? i don’t even know you.” and i look at them and kind of shrug like, “i…don’t know what emotions i’m allowed to show right now. i guess i represent your mom’s anger.”
i remember once i met this couple and the girl introduced herself to me by saying, “i’m the girlfriend,” like i had only ever heard of her in that context from the guy, but i had never met the guy either, so it was confusing at first. she thought it was this big “aha” moment where i’m like, “finally a face for the name.” meanwhile i just don’t know who anyone is. i wanted to be like, “you were this close to being not the girlfriend. you could have been anything.”
i work at a children’s toy store and the number of people who refer to teethers as “chew toys” is depressingly high.
i remember when i was growing up there was that urban legend that mountain dew reduced your sperm count, and i believed it. i’m 23 now and i don’t care at all, but it’s weird thinking that i was a 12 year old who was very concerned with the potency of his sperm.
one of the tiniest joys of working in retail is when you check someone out at the register and then immediately go on break. like you just walk out from behind the counter and follow them out of the store like, “yeah, i dunno, do i even work there?”
have you ever gotten into a subway car full of kids going on a field trip? it’s weird because there you are going about your day and then you’re just on a school bus. you’re just all of a sudden part of that class and guess what, you’re not one of the cool kids.
it’s weird when scaffolding gets taken down from a street you’ve only ever known with scaffolding. you walk down it like, “why is it…super daytime out? how did i get here? this is what this is supposed to look like? where are the metal bars that made the sidewalk lanes? people don’t know how to walk, this is chaos.”
i sat down next to these two guys on the plane who had a friend who was sitting a couple rows back on his own. you know when you’re in a small group like that and you leave and you kind of think, “i wonder what they’re saying about me?” these two guys did not mention their friend once. like they spoke across the rows for a second before the plane took off and then that was it. sorry, man, you are not a big personality in this group dynamic.